Seriously?

Wow I haven't written in 26 days! I guess I need to get on here more and do exactly what it is this blog was put here to do. It has been a long time and a lot has happened since I last wrote. I will start with the 4th and move on from there.

Happiness is a journey as I have discovered. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it, other times it comes naturally. The 4th was a natural sense of happiness. We took a trip to visit family in Price. It felt so nice to just go and enjoy the sun and spend time with family. We really were relaxed. It was the first time in 10 years that going back felt like home. I vowed I would never live there again, however after that trip I might make an exception. We shall see. We enjoyed fireworks and food. We had a great time and wish that all trips could be that enjoyable.

We decided to stop at Temple Square on the way home from Price. My oldest had been begging me to take them there for a while and so when we were just passing through anyway, we decided to do it. We took the kids to see the Conference center and to the temple grounds and we visited the visitors center with the Christus and went over and saw the new SLC Temple diagram. It was really cool. The kids were excited to see what the inside of the temple looked like. If you haven't seen it, it is worth a trip there to do so. My kids loved every second of the day. We had a ton of fun and it is something they will remember. We also went to Tooele to see Grandma and Grandpa on the way home (really it was out of the way but it was fun)

That week was slow and stressful but we got through it.

My friend Came from Ohio for a visit and one day we went Wedding dress shopping as she is getting married. It was such a fun time to get together with the girls and do something so fun. I enjoyed watching the reactions of my dear friend as she tried each dress on. It was neat to see how happy she was. I thoroughly enjoyed the time I had with my friends that day.


When I returned home that day I had a message or TWENTY from my brother telling me I had to get hold of him and that it was URGENT. I don't mind getting Twenty messages from anyone, however these messages are the hardest to hear. My niece had passed away at the age of 10. I nearly fell over from the news. I didn't know what to say or how to react. The first thing I thought of was my daughter and how she was going to take that one of her best friends had just passed away. I struggled because I knew her mom and dad were both so sad and confused and I didn't know how to help them. I then couldn't imagine losing one of my children although I had lost a baby and felt a loss. It wasn't the same though because I never knew that baby the way we all knew Cheyenne. She was 10. Then I had to remember that she never went a day in her life without being in pain. I had to remember that she was no longer suffering. That she could walk and run with the angels. It makes me sad to know she is gone, but I am truly happy that I will be able to see her again someday.

The funeral was last Monday. I barely made it through the opening prayer (I was asked to say it). It was a beautiful service followed by her being taken to the cemetery in a horse drawn carriage followed by her family and her pony, Rusty.

The next day we spent with my step brother Ryan and his family. We went to Temple Square and had a good time. We visited lots of places and really had a ton of fun. The kids really enjoyed spending time with their cousins. It was a sad reason that we were all together but we tried our best at making it a happy occasion as well. We went and saw The Joseph Smith movie and I loved it. It was the first time I had seen it. I think what made it even more enjoyable was having my oldest there witnessing it with me and having her get nervous and asking me questions as to when things would happen and asking why things happened. I love the age of my oldest because they are curious and they ask many questions.

I am glad she is curious. This Sunday as we were sitting in Sacrament my oldest asked me why we partake of it. I knew the answer but I thought that taking out the scriptures and showing her the answer would be a better way, that way when she needed an answer to a question and I am not there she would know that she could pull out the scriptures and find the answer for herself. She was happy with the answer and seemed very excited to know.

Sunday also marked the ending of a great bishopric. Our bishop was released and another put in. It was a very bittersweet moment. I spent many hours in the bishops office learning about myself and about the gospel, all from a man who was very faithful and had a wonderful testimony. He was an amazing bishop and he will truly be a friend forever. Our new bishop is going to be GREAT. I love him and he will have a great influence on our ward.

Sometimes Change is hard, however it is necessary for growth. This month has been a month of Change and I hope that we all grow from it and the lessons we learn will be helpful to us in the future.

Happiness is a journey and I intend on keeping up with it......Thanks for reading!
Have a :0) Day.

Reflection

I remember about a year and a half ago when I finally lost all sense of who I was. It was a scary place to be. I also remember talking to my bishop after having lost that sense and thinking to myself that the bishop had no clue what he was talking about and that I was perfectly fine. I remember him suggesting counseling and me saying I will think about it, only to avoid it at all lengths for at least another month. He told me that I didn't have a testimony and that about threw me for a loop. I didn't believe him. I thought he was crazy. Ha! I said there is no way this man is right.

After another month of feeling the way I was feeling, I finally called LDS Family Services and set up an appointment. I felt defeated and I was scared of who my counselor might be and that I wouldn't get along with them and that they wouldn't understand the thoughts going through my head. I had no real desire to actually talk at all with the counselor and vowed in my own little brain to keep my thoughts to myself. I did not know what I was doing and I felt like I had so many things going on in my brain. Those voices (if you don't know) are always flip flopping. One minute you will think....YES this is exactly what I need......the next minute.....NO what are you thinking?? You are completely fine, you can do this on your own, you just need to pull yourself up by your boot straps and get on with life. And it is constantly changing literally from MINUTE to MINUTE. It gets kinda scary in your brain and you don't want to be there anymore because you can't stand it. Thoughts enter your mind that you can't get rid of. Thoughts of life being better, thoughts of life ending, thoughts of disaster and pain, thoughts of sorrow and to be honest with you I had those thoughts for a very long time. I thought it was a normal thing to feel the way I did.

As I sit here typing this I feel a bit liberated as I tell you about my thoughts. I wouldn't have shared this with you a year and a half ago....I wouldn't have even brought it up in a conversation and I would have avoided any talk about depression and anxiety. I did not believe that medication would help me. I was stubborn.

I finally met with a counselor, I finally told her what it was I had thought for years and when I said these things in tears, she came over and sat by me and just gave me a little hug and talked with me. She helped me work through the anger of things in the past, the frustration of the things in the presence, and helped me to change the way I thought about the future. I learned a lot from her and now I am able to do it on my own. I don't need to meet with her anymore. Although I truly miss it. I sometimes just want to go back and talk to her, just to talk to her. She was a major part of my life changing experience.

Why? You might be asking am I talking about this. (if you're not, stop reading).

About a week ago I went into my bishops office again (to receive a calling) and while I was there we started talking about where I was a year and a half ago. He said to me...The Cynthia I know now and the Cynthia I knew a year and a half ago are two totally different people. He told me how far he has seen me come and how much I have grown. He told me that the goals I had been reaching for had been reached and that it was time to make new ones. As I sat there and listened to him tell me all of this, I thought back to the way I used to think and really got it. I realized that I was a different person. I now have a testimony of myself and of the church and of God. As long as I am doing the right things to keep my testimony I will never lose it.

It was a long process....to hear that a year and a half later might be amazing to you. I tell you it was always hard. I honestly never thought I would hear those words from my bishop. At least when I started. Now that I have reached that goal........I guess it is time to make some pretty awesome new ones. If I can redefine who I am in one and a half years, just think what I could become! Here is to Life long Happiness!

:0)