Reflection

I remember about a year and a half ago when I finally lost all sense of who I was. It was a scary place to be. I also remember talking to my bishop after having lost that sense and thinking to myself that the bishop had no clue what he was talking about and that I was perfectly fine. I remember him suggesting counseling and me saying I will think about it, only to avoid it at all lengths for at least another month. He told me that I didn't have a testimony and that about threw me for a loop. I didn't believe him. I thought he was crazy. Ha! I said there is no way this man is right.

After another month of feeling the way I was feeling, I finally called LDS Family Services and set up an appointment. I felt defeated and I was scared of who my counselor might be and that I wouldn't get along with them and that they wouldn't understand the thoughts going through my head. I had no real desire to actually talk at all with the counselor and vowed in my own little brain to keep my thoughts to myself. I did not know what I was doing and I felt like I had so many things going on in my brain. Those voices (if you don't know) are always flip flopping. One minute you will think....YES this is exactly what I need......the next minute.....NO what are you thinking?? You are completely fine, you can do this on your own, you just need to pull yourself up by your boot straps and get on with life. And it is constantly changing literally from MINUTE to MINUTE. It gets kinda scary in your brain and you don't want to be there anymore because you can't stand it. Thoughts enter your mind that you can't get rid of. Thoughts of life being better, thoughts of life ending, thoughts of disaster and pain, thoughts of sorrow and to be honest with you I had those thoughts for a very long time. I thought it was a normal thing to feel the way I did.

As I sit here typing this I feel a bit liberated as I tell you about my thoughts. I wouldn't have shared this with you a year and a half ago....I wouldn't have even brought it up in a conversation and I would have avoided any talk about depression and anxiety. I did not believe that medication would help me. I was stubborn.

I finally met with a counselor, I finally told her what it was I had thought for years and when I said these things in tears, she came over and sat by me and just gave me a little hug and talked with me. She helped me work through the anger of things in the past, the frustration of the things in the presence, and helped me to change the way I thought about the future. I learned a lot from her and now I am able to do it on my own. I don't need to meet with her anymore. Although I truly miss it. I sometimes just want to go back and talk to her, just to talk to her. She was a major part of my life changing experience.

Why? You might be asking am I talking about this. (if you're not, stop reading).

About a week ago I went into my bishops office again (to receive a calling) and while I was there we started talking about where I was a year and a half ago. He said to me...The Cynthia I know now and the Cynthia I knew a year and a half ago are two totally different people. He told me how far he has seen me come and how much I have grown. He told me that the goals I had been reaching for had been reached and that it was time to make new ones. As I sat there and listened to him tell me all of this, I thought back to the way I used to think and really got it. I realized that I was a different person. I now have a testimony of myself and of the church and of God. As long as I am doing the right things to keep my testimony I will never lose it.

It was a long process....to hear that a year and a half later might be amazing to you. I tell you it was always hard. I honestly never thought I would hear those words from my bishop. At least when I started. Now that I have reached that goal........I guess it is time to make some pretty awesome new ones. If I can redefine who I am in one and a half years, just think what I could become! Here is to Life long Happiness!

:0)